i was weak. i binged and i was disgusting. i ate some leftovers of sweet and sour chicken, then moved on to chocolate with my frozen banana. i don't feel small and haven't for the past day or two. perhaps because my stomach is adjusting to smaller portions? but that doesn't matter, ive stretched it too far tonight. i exercised after. i hit the pavement running hoping i could throw up. i read other girls blogs and they talking about purging all the time. i just couldn't do that. yes i gets everything out, but i scares me. i'll do better for you tomorrow i promise. i might have to go have lunch with my dad ( who already comments on me being "too thin") and his 20 something girlfriend on saturday, i'd love to see their reaction to me pushing my food around as they gorge into their heaping plates of fattiness. we'll see how this pans out ;)

hello everyone (: it certainly has been a while since i've last posted and again, i apologize. this time it's not because i've been weak. instead i'm actually doing great! my waist fluctuates in the 27 in region, chest has lost half and inch, and my hips have also lost half an inch. i find it funny how just a half inch can look so different... instead of blogging (since i have no time thanks to school) i've started writing on the notepad in my phone! But my most exciting news has yet to come. On saturday i was asked by a photographer to be a model for a shoot on wednesday! i am so excited (: ill let you know how that goes. with school during the day it is so much easier to eat the way id like too. i eat breakfast 7:00- usually two egg whites, a snack around 9- half an apple, lunch at 1- watermelon, half a pepper, and 1/4 c brown rice, snack before volleyball at 3:15- a c of popcorn, and finally dinner around 6- usually a salad (if anything bad ill go on a walk or run). So for an average day my calories stay under 500. im comforable with this but eating an amount of food bigger than 1/2 c makes me feel big and bloated. yuck. im proud of my growing ability to say no to fat people food. some times its hard, but i am getting stronger (: im making cupcakes for my art class tomorrow, but not for me! i think that will keep people from getting suspicious. haha, so sneaky. the feeling of hunger drives me on, it makes me feel small. with every little pang im closer to my goal.

my apologies...

i am so sorry for neglecting you poor blog! but even if i hadn't, i wouldn't have had any good news... i have been very VERY bad with my eating. tomorrow is my birthday so i'm allowing myself to splurge just one more day.

i apologize for not posting in a while; volleyball and summer homework are a drag... as far as my eating, the last two days have been rough. i restricted, but not enough. working on gaining self control and more will power today. i had two eggs before my practice, then a muffin when i got home. so far nothing, planning on eating some lettuce sprinkled with albacore tuna. also i'm cooking dinner before my mom gets home, so i can tell her i already ate some. no gross white carbs for me tonight :)

yesterday day i noticed that i have begun to eat slower. this is a great improvement for me because in my house you kinda have to grab your food and eat it before someone else does, or you don't get what you want. and this is the eating style i am use to. i am not quite as strict on what i eat as i would like to be, but i have been cutting back on how much, so one step at a time i guess! plus that is probably easier for me to follow. just got back from three hours of volleyball and my stomach is engulfing itself out of hunger. my grandmother wants Qudoba so that's my only option. not a very healthy restaurant, but i'm ordering a burrito w/o rice, beans, cheese-my weakness-, chicken, lettuce, and tomatoes. i'll only eat half and save the rest for later. planning a bike ride later once it cools off a bit :) my waist is still 27.5, but sadly fluctuates close to 28 when i eat or drink more than a cup of something. at volleyball for conditioning we did some hard core sprints, 15 push ups, and 50 sit-ups. keep losing!
           

as of yesterday i am officially 149lbs! this might sound fat to some of you, but to someone who has been at 155 for as long as i have, it's music to your ears. it honestly sounds better than being 150. i will keep working. i know getting in to the 130s will feel twice as great as this. also my waist has gone from 28in to 27.5in (: today is great! so far i have eaten one small blueberry muffin- i know i shouldn't have, but i was weak-, 10 oz of frozen oj, and in about an hour i'll have an egg with only half the yolk. i've already done my 30 crunches for the day and later i think i'll go biking then for a walk. keep losing! 

just got back from the grocery. i bought: lettuce, peach, orange, rice cakes, and yogurt-which i ate tonight. i also have some chicken ill bake to eat with my lettuce. my goal for the rest of the week is to drink 30 oz of water before noon. wish me luck!

tonight i'm going to my friend's party and i WILL not lose control. she always has snacks out so i'll have to stay away from those, but i can do it! today i've had 2 or 3 c of air popped popcorn and a little bit of frozen diet coke. tomorrow i go to the doctor for my volleyball physical. just on a side note, yesterday at my aunt's house i weighed myself and i was 154lbs. that is not what i weighed in at last wednesday, and i know for certain i did not gain 6 lbs since then. other people weighed too and said theirs was about 5 or 6 off as well. thank God. but now i'm wondering which one is right...so i guess i'll get my "official" weight tomorrow.

went to a bridal shower today and lost a bit of control. i did so well yesturday, too! yesterday i had two c of broccoli, medium apple, and a grilled chicken salad for dinner. today i had half an apple before church, then before shopping i had a french baguette and a cup of chicken noodle soup- i'm guessing this put me at 200 cal? anyway later at the shower i had a cupcake, benedictine on bread, mozzarella, and some strawberries. and just ate part of the left over salad from last night with lemonade. for exercise i rode my bike around the neighborhood and walked this morning- YES i consider shopping in 5 inch stilettos for a hour and a half exercise. today i'll focus on damage control from yesterday and WILL make myself go running.

so far today: a medium apple and 16 oz of water.

yesterday started off really well, i had a chicken salad without any cheese, bacon, or dressing. but then came the order of cheese fries and rolls... Good grief. I have discovered my weakness= food that sits in front of me. It's like the nasty food is beckoning to the fat girl inside of me. i hate that girl. the more and more i eat this way, the faster she will become my reality. can't let this happen, sooo tomorrow i will start a super strict diet; no carbs unless whole wheat or whole grain, no sweets, no fried foods... oh, and no fat people foods. My excuse to everyone for the huge change: "(enter bad food name here) will upset my heart burn". On the other hand i weighed in yesterday and i was 149! that might sound fat to you, but thats the lightest i've weighed in a long time. Wish me luck!